How to convince your husband to have more children

Whether you are wanting your first baby or third, sometimes the biggest hurdle can be the hubby.  Let's face it.. they aren't maternal.  They don't understand.  They don't feel the way we do.  They don't have the same drive we have.  They weren't created with that gushy feeling of needing that bundle of joy.  So why do I see so many women letting the man dictate when and how many children come into the family with little to no resistance?  I am disheartened to see this and I would like to remind these women that you have more power than you think. 

This advice is not going to work for 100% of men.  There's a smaller percentage of men who don't need to be convinced.  This laid back and baby-happy type are few, but they are out there.   Then there's the small percentage that are just absolute in their idea to either not have children or only wants one or two.  There's no softening or changing their mind.  I would be a little concerned about the marriage where the woman has this little power, but that's another topic for another day.  I believe regardless of what the man's concerns are, the majority can be swayed.  This will work for about 70-80% of men.  Be smart and listen up.  These tips are for you. 

Of course, you must be sensitive to your husbands concerns about bigger families and financial burdens.  There's a point where we need to be reasonable.  Having children is an equal decision and it's important to respect that.  With that being said, there's no harm in a little help. 

#1.  Plant the seed

As soon as you feel that itch after you get married, mention having a baby.  You've probably already talked about it up to this point so you have an idea when the timing is right for you.  But if you need a little help, proceed with these steps.

For babies #2 and on: When you are pregnant, mention casually the next baby.  This is the time to do it.  Never talk about more babies than one more than you currently have.  If he asks you how many kids you want, just say, "I don't know.  We will see." Because actually this is the truth, you really don't know how many you want until you are at that number.  DON'T trap yourself.  Now, to him, mentioning the next baby while you are pregnant is going to seem crazy.  He will probably laugh.  Laugh with him.  If he asks if you are serious, casually say, "Sure".  Change the subject.
You can plant the seed more than once but I would suggest only up to a few times.  If you aren't sure you want any more children, do this any way.  You can always change your mind.

Two things about planting the seed.  1.  No matter how he responds, even if it hurts your feelings, don't get into with him. Don't worry if he says he doesn't want anymore kids... that usually doesn't mean anything. Stop taking his word for it.  Women do this a lot and it's a mistake.  Don't let it turn to an argument.  Brush it off.  Smile.  (I've seen a lot of women make this mistake.)

And 2. NEVER plant the seed when you have a newborn.  This is the most stressful time in a Dad's life.  Newborns scare men.  They are tiny.  They are fragile.  They are uber time consuming. Their cries and needs and diapers are very stressful to a man.  Your postpartum is stressing them out.  Babies cost a lot of money.  No matter how in love your husband is with your little one, don't bring up another baby.  Keep tight lipped about it and brush it off when friends or family asks you in front of him if you want any more kids.  "We will see."



#2.  Drop it. 

Don't talk about it anymore than this.  If he wants to, allow him but keep it light and not serious. 

#3. Clarify you are trying

Say whatever you intuitively feel and when you feel the time is right.  "I feel like it's a good time to start trying for a baby.  How do you feel about that?"  Or whatever you want.  This may take a few tries and conversations but remember, don't get hurt. Gently ease his concerns.  Don't argue.  Drop it.  Resume another time, softly.  When you get the green light, smile and kiss him. 

If you already have a baby or kids, wait till your baby is at least 1 before bringing up the next kid or when you see your husband is adjusting.  This is usually a good time for planting another seed.  Then bring it up again when you're ready down the road.  When a Dad has one in diapers, thinking about another can be a bit much.. so use your instinct. 

#4.  Leave him alone

After you both have decided to try, let it be.  This is so important.. I really can't stress this enough.  Remember, men don't feel the same way about having babies we do.  Stop treating them like they do, then get your feelings hurt when they say something insensitive or begin to have doubts.  They don't need to hear about all the particulars of your ovulating cycle.  They don't need to know about all the details of trying to conceive.  You don't need to keep reminding him that you are trying for a baby.  He knows. Don't take the fun out of sex.  Don't stress him out.  Buy as many ovulating tests as you want.  Shoot, make charts with highlighters, buy books, read articles.. Do whatever you want, but leave him alone! 

You have Facebook, your Mother, sister/s, friends, co-workers, etc to talk about babies and having babies and conceiving babies until you're blue in the face or the fingertips.  So use those outlets, but don't overwhelm your husband.  Fathers feel that bond when they hold their babies for the first time.. and it grows from there.  As the baby smiles and laughs and responds to his father, this bond and excitement grows within him.  Respect this and give him his space to nurture his bond with his child in his way.  He doesn't need to be as crazy as you are about having a kid before he has him!
As an example with us, the next time Joe hears about a baby after our "we are trying" conversation is when I tell him I'm pregnant.  Literally.

When you are pregnant, include him in your excitement as much as you feel is natural.  Try and follow the same concept of not overwhelming him.  All that baby stuff and gear is usually fun for men, but not too much.  Talk talk talk to your girls and leave the important stuff for him.  Use your intuition to gage how involved he wants to be.  They are all different.  Pay attention to when he quiets and how what you are doing is making him feel... take note and proceed from there.  (Don't ask him how he feels.  Men don't analyze their feelings and their origins.  Stop treating him like he's a woman. It's your job to observe and respond appropriately.  Goodness, it's like I need to write a book or something.) Allow him to come around and have a say and opinions, on his own.  Of course, don't squash his ideas.  Make this process of having a child fun, light and a good experience.  Make him feel important in every step of the way, without stressing him out by bombarding him with questions and details.  You aren't going to take all of the stress from him, but your behavior can greatly reduce it.


This step is very important in aiding in the process of having your next baby. 


You see, this advice is not about exercising your power or using manipulating tactics to get your way.  It's about using your intuition to ease the stressful stigma around having more children and being smart about timing.  A man can honestly believe he doesn't want any more children, but that can change because he doesn't know how he feels about having another kid until he has them.  A wife shouldn't want any more kids than is prudent for their situation and a man should be able to have his heart softened by his loving wife. 

Be smart and you can have your way.  That's my motto about being a wife.

Abortion, What We Cannot See

I've felt impressed to write on this subject for some time.  I think this is a good time in light of the Dr. Gosnell murder trial.  I'm very sensitive and grief-stricken when I even think about this subject.  Don't talk to me about rape and incest.  The only people who mention that are people who don't care whether it's done because of that or used as a means of contraception.  But yes, that is an exception.  Abortion is also a choice, just like you could choose to jump off a bridge or start doing crack - life is full of choices.

I'll get to the point.  Don't do it.  Whether you are the mother or the father, don't do it.  It's not worth it and you don't know what you're doing.  On so many levels; physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I wanted to share stories compiled by a dear friend of mine, a special lady and author named Sarah Hinze.  I've read her books and she has some of those stories on this website, They Remember.  She has devoted her life to making people aware of what it really means to end a pregnancy on a level we can't see as we are.  She has saved lives, changed hearts and played an instrumental role in preventing Partial Birth Abortion from being passed into law.  (With the exception of Illinois, our good man Obama personally made it possible for it to be legal for the 2 years he was Senator)

Please read the abortion category stories.  These special spirits feel it all. They feel the physical pain of being killed, the rejection, the loneliness during their journey back to heaven from whence they came.  Their stories are true.  They are aware of your struggles and the path you took to get to that crossroads.  But if you could see the bigger picture, that whatever burden in your life is making you feel that that choice is justified, you would see it is not a big deal in the big scheme of things. *please don't read the Burned and Healed story.  It's too horrific.*

Here's a story about a father... he was a man who blindly lived his life serving nothing and no one but himself.  His experience should be an eye-opener.

The majority of this problem would be taken care of if we kept sexual relations within marriage, as we have been commanded by God.  If a person ignores/rejects this guidance, at least know pregnancy is a real consequence and be willing to accept it.  The act of abortion severs the bond between mother and father and son or daughter forever.  Also, know that you are not a friend cause you want to be "non-judgmental" and support your friend in their decision to abort.  Would you give your friend a hug and drive them to the top of a mountain so they can jump off a cliff cause you want to be supportive for fear of seeming judgmental?  That's how stupid it is. You also don't know what you are doing and do not possess the power to heal those souls affected by that decision.  Be strong and always encourage your friends to do the right thing.  I know it's uncomfortable.  Also, you are not a hypocrite because you once made this mistake, you should however know better and strive to be that difference for someone else.

When my princess Sofia was 10 weeks along, I had a bleed. We feared she had passed.  Words cannot describe the joy my husband and I felt when during the sonogram we saw her little body jump, knowing she was still alive.  I was put on strict bed rest for 6 weeks, then gradually came off of it.  I dared not move from my bed any more than absolutely necessary.  My toddler and older child ran wild and we had to fly many family members out to help get us through that time.  The concern we felt for this little life inside of me was as great as if we held her in our arms.  I recall day after day praying and telling my little girl how much I loved her and how badly I wanted her; pleading with her to not leave me, that I would protect her and she would be safe.  I felt her great and noble spirit and I knew I always loved her.  I'm not exactly sure why I felt compelled to convince her to come to me, but I knew she needed to know it.  I literally cannot fathom the thought of deliberately choosing to have my child's life ended, literally for any reason. The idea is gut-wrenching and horrific to me.  That doesn't make me a good person, I just know better.  But it's not my job to judge anyone.  It's my job to share what I know is right, take it or leave it.  I also know that God loves each and every one of us completely, no matter what we've done.  If you have chosen this path in your life, please turn to God and reconcile with him so you can be happy.  Then let it go.  Being miserable and guilty for the rest of our lives because we made mistakes is not His plan for us.  He has the power to remove it from us.  I promise this wholeheartedly. 

Here's one excerpt from the website:

Aborted by Another

Our first baby was born a year and a half after our wedding date. He was perfect and dear. We were so blessed to have him.

With my love for children, I had daily helped tend my own younger siblings and by age twelve was an experienced “world-class” baby sitter. So I was pretty much already familiar with the demands of motherhood and the needs of children. It wasn’t long until I became aware that our son, Jimmy, had an unusual need for constant reassurance and comfort. Even when he was in my arms he seemed uncomfortable, searching for something I felt unable to provide him. I had never been around a baby that was so constantly upset.
I took him to several doctors and homeopaths. They all confirmed that Jimmy was developing properly and getting the nourishment and love he needed. This gave me a degree of relief. I concluded that I just had a more sensitive baby than most. My husband and I were so grateful to have him in our home. We would do whatever it took to make him feel whole. Still, his difficulties persisted.
After Jimmy outgrew the infant stage, he had adjusted to being happy and pleasant with me and somewhat with my husband, but he would never go to another person. My husband and I were the only ones who could keep him calm. We never dared leave him with a babysitter, but occasionally we left him with extended family members whom he knew well. Still, he had horrible crying spells and his body shook the whole time. It was so upsetting to everyone concerned that we rarely left him.
We knew something was wrong so we constantly tried to reassure him:

• “I am so lucky to be your mommy.”
• “Thank you for coming to our home.”
• “Mommy and Daddy love having a little boy like you.”

And then there was the night in a motel when my mother experienced a dream-visit from her deceased father, “During the night I dreamed my dad came and stood looking at Jimmy asleep on the floor between us. He said, ‘He is a very special spirit who was aborted by another.’”
Jimmy is age four and one half now. A few nights ago I tucked him in bed with hugs and kisses and closed his door, only to have him call after me to turn on the fan. I went back in and turned on the fan. He said, “Mommy, I thought you’d be mad at me.”
“No, Honey, I’m not mad at you. Is Mommy mad at you a lot or a little?
“Just a little… but Mommy, you’d never kill me ‘cause that would cut me.”
I didn’t know what to say. I reassured him Mommy would never hurt him because we love him so much and we are lucky to have him.
Last night Jimmy snuggled in bed with us as my husband and I talked of having another child. We are hoping for a girl who we have been calling Faith. Jimmy interjected, “I saw Faith last night in my dream. It’s okay for you to have her in your tummy.”
The way he said it brought tears of gratitude. I sensed that this little traumatized soul we love so much finally felt safe enough with us that it was now okay for his little sister to come to my womb.